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Holding on to that which should be let go of

It is easy to allow the things that I have allowed people to do to me in the past to make me hateful and resentful. But I must rise above this. I should not, and cannot give them that much control over me. They are assigned to a horrid memory and that is where I should leave them. It is foolish for me to carry them around with me day after day. I cannot undo my mistakes. Wishing that I had done it differently is a grand waste of time and energy. They are out of sight but not out of mind. I cast my bitterness upon others who have caused me no harm and just want to go about their lives caring less about me.

When I catch myself falling into this downward spiral of thinking I attempt to redirect my thoughts onto things that are uplifting and positive. I remind myself that I voluntarily played the fool for them, and that being the case, I should not resent them. Whatever happened to me I did it to myself. They did not force me into behaving unwisely as I took that venture upon myself. Accepting my responsibility is sound but it does not ease the shame of myself that I feel for being so ridiculous. I get angry when the thought of them pops into my mind, but not so much angry with them as I am with myself.

Life is much too short and much too fragile to be living it in an agitated state. The vast majority of people are not my enemies. The vast majority of people can care none to less about me. In a world of people that are becoming increasingly more afraid of their own shadows, I should be a source of refreshment when encountered not an amalgamation of the whole. Maturity comes by learning from your living experiences but I currently live as if I have learned nothing from the dastardly predicament’s that I unwittingly placed myself in during the past.

I make myself physically ill by holding onto things that should be let go of. I position myself as being unapproachable and my days and nights are alone and friendless because I allow resentments to influence me. I hate being around people and I don’t want to be alone. I want a sweet darling girl to kiss and hug, to laugh and talk with, to move and shake with, to make the day a blessing for her, myself, and for others. But bitterness concerning my past antics keeps me from reaching out and touching. I feel disgraced and stupid, totally unworthy of a companion. I feel like viciously beating myself with myself until not an atom of me remains intact.

I must get over this. Life does not stand still for anyone. In a moment the worms and the flies will know my inward parts and any evidence of me will eventually all pass away. I multiply my past foolishness by giving the past dominion of the present. I give the destroyers the thumbs-up to continue haunting me by hanging on to them. I waste fleeting time on something that I cannot change. I know what I must do but to do it successfully on a twenty-four seven eludes me. I hate being this way and I want to change but the memory of my idiocy is like a virus flowing through my veins.

Powers that cleanse and renew, come to me and rinse my mind of the thoughts that impede and restrain me from living my life. Help me to mature and grow, to let go and move forward. Strengthen me in my body, mind, and spirit so that I may reach out and touch and diffuse kindness and caring in my surroundings. This I ask, and this it shall be.

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