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There is No Making Up for It

There are certain things that have been said and done in the past that cannot be made up for. I may spend time with the elderly and ailing children. I may volunteer to help the needy and the homeless. I may deprive myself of certain indulgences and luxuries. I may do all of this and more in an attempt to make amends for something that I have said and done in the past. But the past is written and there is no changing it.

Yes, do all of the above mentioned as it is good to be considerate and helpful to others, but do not expect these labors to be an eraser for past deeds. I have said it, or I have done it, or both, and that is the way it is forever. Each day of physical life is its own unique chalkboard that we write for ourselves.

We make entries as the day progresses and at the end of the day our log is finished and complete. We can review our log to see what we can gain from it and apply that insight to the next day, but we cannot delete anything from it.

No one is perfect and mistakes will be made. However, there are some things that are said and done that can easily be avoided if my thinking is mature and not restricted to "Me", "I", "Mine", "Myself", and the like.

It is natural to take first thing first, which is me, this is how we not only survive but also excel. However, we must look at ourselves through the broader canvas of existence that contains the panorama of other people, the ecosystem of the Earth, and all of Earth’s many other life forms to be fully mature in our thinking.

I said it, or I did it, or both. It’s in the record book of life and cannot be blotted out by remorse nor misplaced good intentions.

I wish that I had not said that. And I wish that I had not done this. So I will drop the change that I receive at the checkout counter into that donation cup atop it as I leave. This is good as our donations are much needed, but do not consider the misdeeds of the past to be purified by this generous, worthwhile act.

I have touched someone’s life in a negative way either accidentally or purposefully. I have said it, or I have done it, or both. Someone is wearing a physical and emotional scar that I have purposely inflicted upon them.

This is my guilt and shame that refuses to leave my thoughts because it is clinched firmly within the solidity of the unchangeable past.

Good deeds will not clean the slate of my past childish behaviors because the past is inalterable. My loss of self-control is a personality deficit that I will have to learn to live with in a way that does not interfere with my daily life.

Hopefully, we have reviewed our chalkboard and have highlighted words and actions that we want to avoid repeating. I conduct this self-evaluation often, and guess what, I do and say the very same things over again.

This vacillating behavior is much more than simply not learning from the past it is a nest of damaged brain cells that desperately needs healing.

The heart(mind) is active and willing to make amends for past offenses but the past is uncompromising. The chalkboard of our living is engraved in permanent stone. We have allowed our wrongdoing to mark us with a seal of regrets and ineffective penance. Our afterglow is unbecoming and our nature is pinned against a wobbly cartwheel.

There is no making up for It. Our days are numbered and the count is swiftly running out. We would like to start this reality called physical life all over again with the knowledge and understanding that we have gained from this venture. We would like not to say and not to do the things that we have done in the past during this new birth. But it is probably likely that we will say and do the same things all over again if given a blank sheet.

We have been measured out and calculated beyond the molecular level. Our very essence has been formulated and numbered to a precision point that allocates no fault-tolerance in the equation of what makes us, us.

There is no making up for it. We have said it, or we have done it, or both, and that is that. The Monkey is on our back and the banana is in our mouth, so we must learn to live peaceably with them.

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