Living With Disdain: Reflections on Self and Others

Living With Disdain: Reflections on Self and Others: Everyone who is acquainted with me seems to disdain me. Beneath their show of friendship lies the loathing and contempt they truly feel. Cracks in their disguise of friendliness in the things they say, slipping out unintentionally.

I reason that something in the way I show myself generates this scorn. I can see their point of view because when I look closely at myself, I find nothing worthy of friendship. So, I can’t blame them for how they feel.

Work associates, relatives, acquaintances—even the woman on the dark side of the Moon—hide their disdain behind a smile. Yet subtle words and short sentences reveal their sentiments. Being conscious of this troubles me emotionally and causes feelings of worry and anxiety. Still, I understand them because I too hold contempt for myself.

Since I can rationalize people’s feelings toward me, I do not reciprocate them. Work associates, relatives, and acquaintances all feel justified in their disdain. Even the woman living in a crater on the dark side of the Moon agrees. I see their reasoning when I look in the mirror and recall moments in my life. This is not a sob story. It is a story of acceptance. I rejoice that I can live with things as they are and not be offended.

Everyone wants admiration, and most people feel they deserve it. But that is not always the case. The feet that walk a straight line are prone to slip. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, every foot will step on a bump along the way. It is in the manner you keep walking that defines the person. You can’t control other people’s feelings, but you do have your work cut out in controlling your own.

Every smile directed at me carries hidden disdain. There is nothing I can do about that. Yet, I am not the type of person who enjoys condemnation. Many view it as a sign of respect or intimidation, but I do not.

It all comes down to how I feel about myself. And as I look in the mirror, I agree with them. I am not deserving of anything but contempt. I can live with this because I have no choice.