Sleepless nights give me time to think. And what am I thinking about? One of the things that I am thinking about is whether it is better to be alone and lonely or to be with someone that makes every moment challenging?
There is no rest in loneliness and there is no rest living under the weight of an avalanche. So, which is better to endure during these fleeting moments that we have as an oxygen breather?
My desire is to fill my void with a warm and subtle feeling, but my life experiences tell me to avoid conflicts and confrontations. To add to this, I have an annoying propensity for saying and doing the wrong thing, especially when I am feeling good about myself.
Considering my shortcomings should I except a period of being alone and lonely as being a sort of breathing space for me to evaluate and then correct my behavior?
Every little ache, pain, and noise is magnified because I have no one to avert my attention away from myself. Sometimes I feel like crying, but I know that is only feeling sorry for myself and I refuse to allow myself to do that.
With age comes stupidity not wisdom as the number of active neurons in the brain diminishes. Be that as it is, I wonder if it’s possible for a person to die of loneliness? Or is loneliness an animated form of death?
The prospect of being around people causes me to feel like crying on the way to work and the fact that I will be alone causes me to feel like crying on the way home.
Only one time in my life have I encountered someone who made me feel very relaxed and at ease to be with and that only lasted for less than forty minutes but the impact and the memory that those forty minutes have on me is profound even now.
Sleepless days compliments sleepless nights and the buzzing sound in my head is constant both night and day. I hear laughter and I hear arguments and I weigh them both on the scale of my loneliness searching for a point of equilibrium between the two that I can approach.
Using the degree of my loneliness as a measure of the most effective way to address my being alone and lonely I have concluded that I have not reached a conclusion.
It is possible that I have been alone for such a long time that I have lost my ability to behave properly in any type of relationship. That is a disheartening thought but a thought that is feasible given my past relational experiences. Maybe I am making to such of it and giving loneliness more influence and power over my cognitive discord than it deserves.
There is rest in not having to adjust your life in order not to offend the whims of someone else. There is peace when you can manufacture a lover out of your brain matter who will never disappoint you and who you will never disappoint.
In my opinion it is better to be alone and lonely than to be in a relationship that is constantly on the verge of or is consistently in turmoil.
I have experienced the bottom side of the bottoms up by living with someone who kept me in a persistent state of anxiety.
Being in a relationship is not worth the disquiet and being in a relationship is fulfilling if you are with the right person.
So, there it is, my thinking has produced an unresolved question, and my sleepless night will transition into a sleepless daylight.
