When I Was Not

Summary

When I Was Not explores the abyss of loneliness and the spark of renewal. A poetic journey from despair to self-forgiveness at Luciditybooks.

When I was not, I wallowed in a lonely labyrinth. I had no sense of direction. I only had the illusions of how I wish my life were. My vision of the world around me was obscured by the sight of myself. That abyss became my most persistent adversary.

When I was not, I allowed others to dictate my temperaments and behavior. I hid myself away as much as possible. I wanted to avoid encountering other people. By doing this, my loneliness grew even more.

There was a lowering of consciousness and a lack of conviction that ruled heavily over me. The few positives that I have experienced became negatives in my recall. The line between the true and the false increasingly became blurred. I had nowhere to go and no place to turn. The fear of death haunted me, but I had nothing else to look ahead to.

And then a breath of fresh air blew into my life creating new avenues of existence for me. During a single and specific moment in time so many things about my life changed for the better for me.

The still air became a soft breeze. I now see the world around me that had been obscured by the sight of me. I began to comprehend things that I had not considered before. Being capable of looking beyond myself brought realism to life enabling me to experience the full range of my consciousness.

When I was not, I was the center of a universe that I created. A universe of hollow wandering shadows and dense white fog. Only the sound of my voice is transmitted. The mingle of my thoughts also flows through. I looked into the eyes looking back at me in the mirror. I wanted to cry. I would tell myself that self-pity is unproductive.

And then without warning I hear sounds from over here and noises from somewhere. It was the sounds and the noises of the voices of people. I wanted to cover my ears. There was a lot coming out of them that I did not want to hear. I did not cover them because one in a zillion would say something wonderful.

When I was not, I was too much inside myself to be beside myself. I wallowed inwardly and poured out outwardly. I was walking down the path of who I am and did not know it when I was not. The only thing I had to look ahead to was death, but I was already dead residing atop the grave.

But, there is never and never is not forever. A change come in an instant. That instant will be the first or the last of our experiences. As for me, the vision in the mirror is the same. The way I look at myself is different. I hope it is with more self-forgiveness and wisdom.