When I Was Not

Summary

Even in the darkest of times, there is a path that leads out of the abyss. It's not a path that can be found on a map, but rather one that is discovered within oneself.

When I was not, I wallowed in a lonely labyrinth having no sense of direction and only the illusions of how I wish my life were. My vision of the world around me was obscured by the sight of myself and that abyss became my most persistent adversary.

When I was not, I allowed others to dictate my temperaments and behavior. I hid myself away as much as possible so as not to encounter other people and by doing this my loneliness grew even more.

There was a lowering of consciousness and a lack of conviction that ruled heavily over me. The few positives that I have experienced became negatives in my recall. The line between the true and the false increasingly became blurred. I had nowhere to go and no place to turn. The fear of death haunted me, but I had nothing else to look forward to.

And then a breath of fresh air blew into my life creating new avenues of existence for me. During a single and specific moment in time so many things about my life changed for the better for me.

The still air became a soft breeze. I could now see the world around me that had been obscured by the sight of me. I began to comprehend things that I had not considered before. Being able to look beyond myself brought realism to life enabling me to experience the full range of my consciousness.

When I was not, I was the center of a universe that I created. A universe of hollow wandering shadows and dense white fog where only the sound of my voice and the mingle of my thoughts are transmitted. I looked into the eyes looking back at me in the mirror and wanted to cry but would tell myself that self-pity is unproductive.

And then without warning I could hear sounds from over here and noises from somewhere. It was the sounds and the noises of the voices of people. I wanted to cover my ears because there was allot coming out of them that I did not want to hear, but I did not because one in a zillion would say something wonderful.

When I was not, I was too much inside myself to be beside myself. I wallowed inwardly and poured out outwardly. I was walking down the path of who I am and did not know it when I was not. The only thing I had to look forward to was death, but I was already dead residing atop the grave.

However, there is never and never is not forever as a change may come in an instant and that instant may be the first or the last of our experiences. As for me, the vision in the mirror is the same but the way I look at myself is different and I hope with more self-forgiveness and wisdom.