Recalling

Summary

Recalling explores memory, regret, and self-acceptance—an intimate meditation on the struggle between past mistakes and the fragile beauty of hope.

Recalling: Every time I recall an experience in my life, I am always there to tarnish the memory. If I step aside from my memories, I am sure I would recall a few good ones. Memories that would cause me to feel good about myself and not fill me with self-disappointment and regrets.

All day long I live with myself. The nights have no place of escape for me. I can’t think of anyone else that I would rather be on this temporal of orbiting death. Everyone carry their own set of weights and measures, and I know that many are more burdensome than mine. Knowing this doesn’t make me feel better about myself. But, it helps me to be realistic. I do not waste a lot of time weeping all over myself for myself.

A frog jumped into a pond. It would have drowned had another frog not jumped in and rescued it. As the years have passed, the frog that nearly drowned often ponders. It wonders how much foolishness, hurt, and feelings of inadequacy would have been alleviated. These feelings do not have occurred had the frog on shore decided not to be a hero. As the frog was drowning it first experienced terror and then a great sense of peace. Enveloped in this sense of peace the frog started to recall episodes in its life. The frog recalled nothing but good memories. These memories harmonized with the sense of peace it felt. Suddenly, it was plucked out of the water by the paragon of heroism. It was set on shore very embarrassed.

One good point amid a thousand blunders overwhelms every recall. A smile blurred by the continuation of thoughts. Shutting down the processes of recall as an escape technique from remorse. What is that reflection looking back at me from the plain glass window? Does it have any memories of life experiences? It is easily distorted with minimal effort. The reflection shows the surface of the shell, not its memories.

I choose to recall only the good points in my life. Still, doing so would mean not being honest with my life experiences. This approach would also restrict the learning process. Yet who am I to think about myself? The window will not open. The door is falling from the hinges. How can I remember anything? I am just one cough away from death on an orb that is so heavily contaminated.

Every time I remember, I do my best to shake those thoughts away. I know they will only lead to a feeling of shame. They also lead to remorse. Shame and remorse of things I can’t change and moments I can’t relive. Denial of my past is not my intent. I want to be my most fervent witness against myself, both bad and good.

The little good in my life is so overwhelmed by the not so good that recalling them becomes painful. I find there is no way to manipulate that equation. My only hope is that in another sphere of consciousness. Or in another dimension if you want. I hope I have fared much better than in this realm of consciousness. If not, oh well.